Substance

From brendan.gough.
"Soon you will find that you can control the suds without touch."
"What."
"That's right. Without touch, they will soon obey."
"Dude, you. Are scaring me right here."
"They do more than float, more than clean, more than ...cling..."
"Um. It's just soap."
"Soap is a tool. TAKE the tool. WORK the tool. Then you will see."
"Sniff the tool?"
"....You find this amusing."
"Yeah, I really do."
"Until you see it SERIOUSLY, it will never see YOU seriously."
"Seriously. You need a break, man. I can't leave you alone anywhere in this apartment. Not for one hot minute."
"Can we focus."
"Oh I'm focused, and it's clear to me that you're a looney."
"Jeff."
"Darin."
"Jeff, man, I'm just trying to show you through a doorway here."
"You're "connecting" with SOAP, man. C'mon."
"You are not trying, and I understand that crutch. Will you ever let yourself be free."
"Oh, trust me, I'm free, free to not be a looney."
"Jeff... ...feel the suds."
"I'M OUT, DARIN. AND STOP DRINKING ALL MY REDBULL."

SpecOps

From agent oo7.
"You keep him SILENT."
"I'm trying."
"YOU GOTTA GIVE ME BETTER THAN TRYING."
"Ok ok ok, I got him."
"Quuiieettly, damnit, there's guards RIGHT above us. ssshhh."
"I gotta pee."
"Shutup, you."
...
"Wait, sh sh sh, what was that."
"...I hear nothing."
"Waiiit....."
".....nothinnng."
"I thought I heard something. Onward."
"Looney."
...
"Are they gone?"
"I think they're still there."
"I can totally take them out."
"With what!?"
"Giant acorn."
"You've got no muscles, legoman."
"Looney."

Fishy

From jeremylbuffington.
I swear to God. I got in, cranked it, nothing; it wouldn't turn over. I cranked it again. Nothing. Checked the valves, the cams, the pistons, the intake AND the manifold. Cranked it. Nothing. I looked in the doll blame PIVOTLOCK, and THERE she was right freakin there lookin at me like I was a fish in a bowl. That's what they call eye-ronical, right there. Cranked it again.. STARTED RIGHT UP. Blastedest thing I swear I ever saw.

tea time

From julchen1301.
ENOUGH! I require complete silence. Don't. Move. Ahh there. MMm Hmm. The spirits here speak to me. They tell me you are troubled. You.. have lost someone dear to you... no, some... thing dear. It beginnnns.. with a Q. Quaaaakerrrrr uuuummmm ffffflleeeekummmm... Quality. You lack quality. No no, yes. Quality. Improve your quality, and you will shed the pain in your leg. GO NOW! IMPROVE YOUR QUALITY AND BE WELL! LIMPEST THOU NO LONGER, CHILD. By power of the spirits empowered unto me by the sacred strand of tan beads and the stripey green shirt, I say to you now GO! Begone. Never look upon me again. Seventyfive cents please, and I need my pen back.

kill kill kill

From berkus.
My eyes burn with the red of the flame from deepest hell. My hair stands on end at the thought of your transgressions. I will exact upon you the fruits of your labor in an endless flood of events that will tear your bones apart like bits of discarded wrapping paper. You will feel my fury and know you've earned every moment of your unending suffering!! No, seriously, I totally will. You're in SO much trouble. C'mon. Run or somthing. Please?

born with it?

From jujuuu@.
Okay. Well. FIRST of all. Who even are you to tell me who owns what. That mascara had no ones name but Maybelline on it, so if ANYthing, YOU need to be returning THAT to Maybelline. Hello, Judger of Roommates, Maybelline called and she's TICKED. So why don't you really take the time out to consider who's the hypocrite here and return the stuff that YOU have with OTHER people's names on them BACK to them before you go around scattering random and irrational accusations like you were Michael Jackson with the whole Billie Jean feeding-the-chickens dance. So I don't want to hear "you could at least TELL me" because I just did. I borrowed your eyeliner too, and I'll reimburse you after Carousel.

TMV guest post: Innocence

Check out the MV for the guest post!

Sadness

From dshinm78.
Jimmy cried all that night and well into the morning hours. He would grow cold and shiver. Cars honked and drivers yelled "hey buddy..", but he didn't, couldn't move. Jimmy was undone. Now and then the wind would shift and he was reminded that he sat mere inches from the sewer, but that almost made him laugh; metaphors of finger-pointing karma, dancing around him as if he were a slumpy maypole. As soon as the sun broke the night, Jimmy would stand, walk with solid paces until he was home, remove his sweater, and never, EVER attend a quilting bee wearing a fabric blend again.

Mastery

From clozure.
Time she is up! Drop your pentsills und turn your pehpurz UPSIDEDAHWN. Nahw. Clasze. I hope you all deed well. Theeze iss our last queez. We. Are done. Nahw, regartliss of how you preform here, you steel will emerge from my clasze ast MASSTURS of the majeek of the maths. Practeese your majeek with care and skram! Into the wirld and do your majeekul math upon thoze that are in need. YISS YOU WEEL KNOW DEM WHEN YOU SEE DEM. Do your nummerz and do your fwizzles with your steeks! POLISH YOUR STAHRZIES AND KEEP YOUR INTEGRALS TIDY!! ibidyougoodday.

Taste test.

From domokun!.
I've replaced my own dinner with Folgers Decaffinated; LET'S SEE IF I NOTICE!#@$ Oh wait! That's only coffee!! I've replaced my dinner with entirely new entrees and sides!! NOW let's see if I notice! OH! Is this chicken? EXQUISITE. The aroma. The color YOU KNOW WE EAT WITH OUR EYES FIRST! And I am no exception HECKNO! Mmmboy I cannot WAIT to dig myself a spoonful of this mighty grub! Lookout stomach, my mouth is prepared to what it does second best which is eating because first best is talking and I'm doing that right now but I'm about to be done and on to number two which is eating, SO I SAY TO YOU AGAIN PREPARE YOURSELF!

Bored?

From yunachristina2004.
You've known me how long, and you still think I would do you wrong? After all we've been through? Do I not look strong to you? Do you doubt I could undo you with just a glance? Under your thumb am I? Hmm? You're lucky I let you last this long. Power? You want to talk power? You see this board? This one little brown nondescript board here under my hand? I could wriggle it free and this whole PLACE would come tumbling. How's that for power. How's that for being controlled? Now put that friendship bracelet back on that spindly little wrist of yours before I mess you up.

flowers

From colorseeker.
Sometimes, a picture is just pretty.

How it's done, bro.

From asdfnick.
Ok bro, check it, check it, yo, k.. aiight, you wanna sautee your sausage and chicken up in butter and olive oil and then take them OUT of the pot, right, and THAT'S when you make the roux. AFTER the roux, THENNN you cook down the veggies, and I'm talkin the trinity... the fucking TRIZZINTY, right! The onion AND the celery AND the green bell pepper. That's gotta happen, or there's not a chick in the club will wanna hit it. GOT ME BRO? Ok, ok, ok, no, bro, BRO, pay attention, bro, right. Look, then the meats go back in, and the stock, get it up to boiling, and THENNNN you toss in the sliced okra.. that's huge, bro, GOT.TO.BE. That'll make it RIGHT, bro. Then cook it all down, see. Then you know, you know, what's the kicker... BRO WHAT'S THE KICKER BRO. Right. Seafood at the end. At the END, yo, or it's wrecked, bro, fucking TANKED. And only then do you hit it with the file`. Don't forget FREAKIN file`, bro. Then, bro, then, you got yerself some gumbo.

Three bales of hay.

From sam72t.
A tent, my red robe, and three bales of hay.
A tent, my RED ROBE, and three bales of hay.
A tent, my red robe, and THREE bales of HAY.
A TENT, my red ROBE, PUT THE STAKES IN THE GROUND, and three bales of hay.
A tent, DONT CRUSH THE VELVET, my red robe, and three bales of hay.
TURNER TURNER GET THE FIRE, a tent, my red robe, and THREE.BALES.OF.HAY.
A tent, my red robe, and three bales of hay.
A tent, my red robe, A CHURCH PEW, and three bales of hay.

Staying Hydrated

From cekyr0.
I've run across pics like this before. No, I haven't. But, now and then, there's just NOTHING I can do to add to it. This is one of those. Here it is, in bold wonderment.

Army of One

From Crossfire Paintball Inc.
BadgerCase, do you read. Roger that. WolverineHiss, are you in position. Roger that. HarshMistress, report. Roger that. Booger, "green" on HassleZone1 on my mark... MARK. Alright people. RazorFuzz and his men are reloading; I've been counting plinks. They're tired; I know their diets and lemme tellya, there's not a protein bar in a single gut out there. They've also been friggin stuck to the TV about this whole Sopranos malarkey, so they're soft. In ..exactly ..45 seconds, SpeedShed is going to make a hit on RazorFuzz's position and that's when we call in on Operation DeathFromAbove. They've got lots of pink paint, BUT WE BLEED CORNFLOWER NOW I WANT TO SEE SOME GNASHING MOVE MOVE MOVE.

marco...

From LisaColvin.
I've had about enough of you kindergardeners peeing in my pool! No, I'm serious this time! I've got this ball overinflated, and I have had it up to here *gesture*. Now, either you people get some bladder control, some rubber pants, or another pool, or I swear by Mark Spitz and all that is twelvefeet deep and holy, I will assert myself right here and now. Is there ANYone within the SOUND of my VOICE that does NOT understand me.
Alright. I came to play.
Rotate.

love

From jbise.
HOW. MANY. TIMES. DO. I. HAVE. TO. SAY. THIS. TO. YOU. IF. YOU. WOULD. JUST. RELAX. AND. LET. THE. PEOPLE. WHO. LOVE. YOU. DO. THEIR. JOBS. AND. YOU. DO. YOUR. JOB. AND. LOVE. THEM. BACK. THEN. THERE. WOULD. BE. ALOT. LESS. HATE. IN. THIS. WORLD. AND. NO. MORE. VICTIMS. AND. WE. WOULD. ALL. JUST. GET. ALONG. FOR. ONCE. AARRGGHHH.!!!$@#%!!

selfish data mining

Hey Fluckrers!
I'm really curious if I have a readership. I THINK I have a readership of exactly four (including myself), but who really knows?

Do me a big favor, if you would, hit me with a comment, let me know you're there, let me know if you like the Fluckrs, don't like the Fluckrs, whatever.

thanks from the me to the you.
-MGMNT

Roll. over.

From SpectroMagic.
Look at me. Look.at.me. You are quiet and comfortable, there is naught but the sound of my voice. Counting back from five, now, and four, three, and two. One. Can you hear me? Good. You will on Tuesdays begin a swing-by of the butchery for scraps, or develop acute itching. As you do, you will feel centered and happy with life, and awash with a sense of fulfillment as you do this again and again. Now. You will awaken refreshed and alert, remembering nothing of what we have discussed. In three two and one.

KO BIATCH!!!

From monkyatomc.
It took a giant orange tarp, one high-suction Shop-Vac, a few feet of flexi-hose, yards and yards of black tape, and about seven minutes with a curling iron, but three hours, one fight, and two Diet Cokes later, Katie was done, and ready for what would soon be known as; The Unforgettable Prom.

TMV guest post: The Handshake

Hey kids! New guest post on the Mad Vortex. You cannot resist.

Fire Probing

From MalevolentDust.
OK. THE FISRT THING ANY FIREPROBER NEEDS TO KEEP IN MIND IS POWER. THE SECOND THING NO WAIT THE FIRST THING A FIREPROBER NEEDS TO KEEP IN MIND IS SAFETY. POWER IS THE SECOND THING A FIREPROBER NEEDS TO KEEP IN MIND NO WAIT I THINK THAT'S NUMBER THREE. NUMBER TWO IS SPEED. SAFETY. SPEED. POWER. IN THAT ORDER. THOSE THREE THINGS ARE THEY KEY ELEMENTS OF FIRE PROBING THAT AND DELICATE HANDIWORK. NO I THINK DELICATE HANDIWORK SHOULD BE -=THE=- MOST IMPORTANT THING A FIREPROBER NEEDS TO KEEP IN MIND AFTER SAFETY, SO OK, THAT'S SECOND THEN. SAFETY, DELICATE HANDIWORK, SPEED, POWER. THOSE ARE THE FIREPROBERS MAIN INGREDIENTS OF A DISH I LIKE TO CALL THE ENTREE DEJOUR OF FIREPROBING. THE MAIN ELEMENTS THAT MAKE THIS WHOLE PIE PALETTABLE. WATER. WATER IS IMPORTANT TOO. KEEP WATER NEARBY AND I MEAN CLOSE. WATER MAY EVEN NEED TO BE NUMBER THREE ON THE KEY ELEMENTS LIST. SAFETY, DELICATE HANDIWORK, WATER, SPEED, POWER. OUCH DAMN. OUCH!@#!!@ OH GOD!@$#!$!!!!!

Moleskine Love

From Biche.

He's awkward and clumsy with holllow eyes and no neck at all, but I'm fairly sure he knows about it. I think his hands don't match, but he doesn't seem to let that be a bother. He stomps around in stripey shoes and wears his wooly clothen hoody suit; makes all these gestures like he's just a clip away from leaving the page entirely whenever he gets a notion. That's what he wants you to think. Still though, for all the things he knows and does, I'm not so sure he's aware of the fact that he's covered all about in the air I love the most.

you cannot escape...

Shouts to the Mad Vortex!
Vortex entity Celia Pleete was -foolish- enough to let me join as a contributor. Check out all the wacky fun at Mad Vortex, and on occasion, an exclusive Fluckr post that you will not find in the official Fluckr feed. Such nuggets will include Human Farming, Hiking in Hell, and the ostensible Paperclip Man.

You cannot escape the Mad Vortex. Don't even try.