intervention

From nikolaasB.
"Betty, thank Christ you're here, I'm at my tether's end. My hands are bleeding, my teeth are chipped, I've beaten bits of wood from every stick of furniture in my flat, but I cannot for the life of me get this fresh beer open."
"Ok, Carl, I need you to relax and just listen to the sound of my voice. You're okay. Everyone says so. We all care about you and want your thirst quenched just as badly as you. But. This is an intervention, and that fresh bottle of beer is part of that intervention. You see, none of us can bear to watch you drink twistycap beers any longer. You can't get that beer open because we switched out your stash while you were at the Harry Potter booksigning, and now every beer in your fridge requires a leveraging opener. We've all chipped in and bought you a nice one. So. Everything is going to be alright, but you've had your last cheapass skunknosed twistycap beer ever, do you understand me?"
"Yes."
"We're here for you, Carl. We love you."
"I love you to Betty. Thank you."