Monkey Train

From MyUtopian.
Monkey, and that's how I roll
Simians and sapiens living as foes
Maybe, it's not too late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate

Zookeepers not freeing
Leaving us encaged
I'm going bananas on a monkey train
I'm going bananas on a monkey train

I've listened to orangutan
I've listened to chimps
I've watched all the baboons
Those colorful pimps
Kong climbed a building with a blonde in hand
They shot at him with planes and made him real mad

Mother primates screaming
Children in a cage
I'm going bananas on a monkey train
I'm going bananas on a monkey train

I know one day we'll rule this little world
Taylor will fall in love with Nova
Yeah yeah

\guitar solo\

Snow monkeys are bathing
In heated springs they're cold
I'm going bananas on a monkey train
I'm going bananas on a monkey train

shopping math

From dlangendorf1.
... the frequency of the visits to the grocery store by the people who are clinically insane relates in a ratio to the time of day (with respect to an all-week all-day timescale), which is directly proportional to the product of the temperature minus relative humidity TIMES the ordinal number which corresponds to the month of the year DIVIDED BY the ratio of percentage of carts with a rusty left front wheel at WEIS times PI plus the percentage of carts with a rusty left front wheel at Giant, plus some constant "C" of course, bracketed, TIMES the square root of Avagadro's Number, and THAT is what I call the Golden Mean of When it's Actually Safe to Shop For Food at Wegman's.

THE hat

From radiohook.
"Ok, seriously. How's my hat."
"Seriously. Best hat ever."
"Oh yeah without a doubt, hands down, wall to wall, best hat in the world."
"You dudes are yankin' my chain."
"No way. You can trust us."
"Would WE lie to YOU?"
"Ok, well, good, because I really love this hat. I think I finally have THE hat for me. This hat's my boon. It's going to be my lucky charm, my star on the horizon, and my mark. It's my brand, yaknow. Whenever anyone sees it, they'll think of me."
"Camera."
"BWHAHAHAHhahaahahahahahaaaaaa......"

The Devil's in the Middle

From mayzface.
THE DEVIL'S IN THE MIDDLE
AND THE ME IS ON THE BOTH SIIIIIDES
THE DEVIL'S IN THE MIDDLE
YOU.BET.TAH.STRAP.IT.IN.TO.RIDE.
THE DEVIL'S IN THE MIDDLE
AND I'M GLOWING BLUE AND WAAAAAAAHHH
THE DEVIL'S IN THE MIDDLE
AND I'M SHOOTIN DOWN THE BOOTAYYY
POWPOW!!
UH. UHUH.
POWPOW!!
UH. UHUH.
POWPOW!!
UH. UHUH.
POWPOW!!
THE DEVIL'S.
IN.
THE MIDDLE.
PEACE!!!@#@!@#%@!!!!
OUT.
SHA.

uncommented

From delifinger.
[editorial note]
Hi, welcome to my blog, Fluckr. Herein, I take a random picture that some random person had uploaded to www.flickr.com, and I repost it with wacky captions that I think up and add. Often, this adds immesurable fun to the photo, and everyone has a decent laugh. From time to time, I run across a photo that I simply cannot add anything to. It's those times when I just need to post that photo, and let it tell its own story. This is one of those posts. Bless you every moment, and enjoy.
[end editorial note]

intervention

From nikolaasB.
"Betty, thank Christ you're here, I'm at my tether's end. My hands are bleeding, my teeth are chipped, I've beaten bits of wood from every stick of furniture in my flat, but I cannot for the life of me get this fresh beer open."
"Ok, Carl, I need you to relax and just listen to the sound of my voice. You're okay. Everyone says so. We all care about you and want your thirst quenched just as badly as you. But. This is an intervention, and that fresh bottle of beer is part of that intervention. You see, none of us can bear to watch you drink twistycap beers any longer. You can't get that beer open because we switched out your stash while you were at the Harry Potter booksigning, and now every beer in your fridge requires a leveraging opener. We've all chipped in and bought you a nice one. So. Everything is going to be alright, but you've had your last cheapass skunknosed twistycap beer ever, do you understand me?"
"Yes."
"We're here for you, Carl. We love you."
"I love you to Betty. Thank you."

Colonials, Three

From scuba10u.
Ok, so, a haberdasher, a wheelwright, and a saucy wench with carnal knowledge of Satan walk into a pub. It was a bar, but the bar was re-inacting as a pub, too, so it's all Huzzah! Anyway, the saucy wench says "Aye! Wheelwrigt, is this stool taken?" And the haberdasher says "Pardon me, miss, but who says witches were allowed 'round here?" And then the wheelwright says, "Oh, she's not round, she's a battleaxel!"