fluckr

SSZ

2008-08-02T21:13:00.002-04:00

From cavergreg.

August 14, 1987
Billy, Steve, Carl, Jason, Matty, and me arrived at the SSZ around 1530. The trip was long but solid, and we were refreshed and pumped. Matty insisted on wearing his big red pants. Billy and Carl refused to discuss it, but me and Jason and Steve voiced our concern that while we understand that Matty thinks that red will keep him easy to spot by the crew, we think that's a very poor choice for cammo on this particular expedition. I pray that all our research on cryptozoological visual stimulus is well-founded. God bless us all as we enter the Sasquatch Sighting Zone. Updates to follow.

Towlie

2008-05-09T22:15:00.001-04:00

From gruber_twins.

Hello. I will be Flooflah, your towel. I pray that with my absorbant assistance, you will find yourself dry and refreshed. To my right, expect to find the room phone, on which you can schedule a wakeup call. To my left, please enjoy a selection of movies and adult evening entertainment on-demand. A complimentary Continental Breakfast is yours for the ingestion in our lobby, and turn-down service is available upon request. Thank you for choosing Lay-Z-Sta, your Choice Comfort Suites' Regional Excellence Medal recipient 7 weeks running.

Skin of Her Teeth

2008-05-08T20:36:00.000-04:00

From DerwaeOrNoway.

Skincare is the unsung hero of modern society. It is a documented fact that without the pretty ladies, the colonies would have never taken hold.. men would have lounged around the colony, being colonial, drinking up all the colony beer; but not shaving or washing or trying to spruce the place up, were it not for the promise of a visit from the pretty ladies. Jan, had very SPECIFIC feelings about the logistics of the mechanics of skincare. These practices were her own in design; inspired and crafted through wee hours of many a long night, with only the guiding light of her passion to guide her towards the glowing light at the end of the perfect skintone tunnel. Unfortunately, that had her, during the day, engaged in some fairly deep and unexplainable finger activities; yes, even sometimes over drinks during Girl's Night Out. But damn, she had skin like creamery buttery.

Sometimes, it beez like that.

2008-05-07T20:41:00.002-04:00

From jaymeslabeille.

"Hey, Hershchel?"
"Yeah, Tony."
"I'm having what you might call.. ..trepidations."
"You mean, like a trembling sort of feeling?"
"No, that's not exactly it, really."
"Hmm well what do you mean, exactly?"
"Second thoughts."
"About."
"Yeah, this whole plan."
"So you're telling me, you're not on board with the plan here."
"That's correct. I, am not, on 'board', as you put it."
"We talked about this, Tony."
"I know, I know we did, and I know I assured you I'd be 100% fine with it."
"Yeah, Tony, that's exactly how I remember you responding when the idea was put on the table."
"Yep. And you're right, you totally are. BUT. The more I think about it, the less I think this 'Wu Tang - Killah Beez: The Musical' approach is really the ideal direction we want to take our community theatre... ...at this juncture."
"*sigh*"
"I should have mentioned this earlier, huh."
"Yeah, you really should have."
"Maybe we can just take the honey and run."
"No, Tony, no, we can't _justtakethehoneyandrun_."
"Sonofa."
"Just.. just.. GAH. Okay, Nigel, rotate."
"Righto, chap!"

Never Again

2008-05-06T20:44:00.003-04:00

From vespeter.
Karen learned alot of things at college. She learned even more when she chose to drink. Sometimes, she didn't learn these lessons until after she sobered up, and got some time to look over last night's pictures. We love her, though.

Idol

2008-01-26T20:18:00.000-05:00

From Er Jesu.
I flew like only a million miles to get to the auditions. I AM the next Idol. I know you don't believe it, you judge me and my shoes or my tea or whatever it is that makes YOU uncomfortable. But I know I can sing. Michael Jackson trained me, in my headphones, every day for four straight years. No one else has those guns. I'm so walking outta here with a golden ticket. MI MI MI MIMIMIIIIIIIIIIII ahem DOE RAE MI FA SO LA DEEEEEEEE DUMMMMMMMMMMMM

Oh Tannenbaum

2008-01-24T21:05:00.000-05:00

From aine25.
We eventually had to stop trimming the tree with little Milroy. Every year, we had to bend up a new hook to hang him from a branch, and he always overheated when put too close to the bulbs. He really did make our tree "our tree", but it became more hassle than the amount of 'festive' we got in return, so we went back to just candycanes and popcorn strings. Milroy, it turns out, did just fine hanging from the mantle and holding the stockings.

Dissent

2008-01-23T19:37:00.000-05:00

From Extreme4you.
OK, MISSES STEPHENSON, I NEED YOU TO LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY
- WHAT?
WE ARE FALLING EXTREMELY FAST NOW
- WHAT?
YOU ARE STRAPPED TO ME VERY SECURELY SO YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
- WHAT?
IN A FEW SECONDS I WILL BEGIN A COUNTDOWN AND THEN I'LL POP OUR SECONDARY CHUTE
- WHAT?
WHEN IT CATCHES WIND, WE'RE GOING TO GET YANKED A GOOD ONE, SO I NEED YOU TO BRACE YOURSELF
- MY HUSBAND IS A VERY.. JEALOUS.. MAN..
ONCE OUR SECONDARY CHUTE CATCHES, WE'RE GOING TO SLOW DOWN A GREAT DEAL IN A VERY SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME
- KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME, MY HUSBAND WILL KILL YOU
MISSES STEPHENSON, I NEED YOU TO FOCUS
- WHAT?
FOCUS
- WHAT?
Oh God. JUST HANG ON OK
- OH MY GOOD SWEET LORD, IT'S MY HUSBAND. IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, HONEY, I SWEAR.
Never again. Never ever again. I'll never take part in this "Therapy Exchange" clusterbomb ever. again. BRACE YOURSELF MISSES STEPHENSON I'M POPPING THE SECONDARY...
- WHAT?

Reach

2008-01-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

From caixapostal.
...and that beer looked.... THAT BIG to me.
Dude, did you break, did you snap?
I did not. I resisted. If I can do it, you can too, and you.... and you.
Friends, brother Danny is an example to us all. Which of us could resist a beer, like that? Not I. Not you either, I'd bet. That's just too much temptation for any of us. But Danny DID it. Did it. Didn't do it. Any way you want to slice it.
Oh... wait... I got something to say...
Brother Danny?
Yeah. The beer was that big, it was. And I resisted, I did. But..
Yes, but?
I resisted. And then I.. I.... Ok, check it.. the hangover was THIIIIS BIIIIG!!!

Grillin'

2008-01-21T18:25:00.000-05:00

From SuperJason.
Ok, you know what. I was going to go into this whole scenario about this photo, complete with text-faked accents like "Hey TIM, you got that ass-sting-wisher?" and "Nahw, chief, better. Found Kurt's supersoaker gun." But I'm not going to do that. Instead, let's just look at this photo and enjoy it. Let us not overlook the supersoaker, the EXTRA tank of gas, safe but handy, by the door, the giant round thermometer on the fence gate, the ubiquitous bug zapper... um, pretty sure there's a second bug zapper on the right there as well. Ok so I don't think they're bugzappers, I think they're just lanterns, but I like it better when I pretend they are. I bet those lawnchairs pinch all hell out of the tender bits. And you know what? I'd totally hang with these dudes and burn some burgers, pound some brews. God bless these dudes and those they feed. Cheers, fellas.

Glare

2008-01-20T07:54:00.000-05:00

From ●You are Peluche♥.
As the lamp glares in the window, I, glare through the windows, of my soul, my, eyes. Glare. Glaringglaringglare. At you. Stare. Staringstaringstare. Stare the glare. From heretothere. I. One. With you. Clear in the eye, clear in the glass, unseen, seen through. Stare. Into the glare. Here, I am there. *fingersnap, fingersnap, fingersnap*

Kangawho

2008-01-19T08:43:00.000-05:00

From spicespykimo.
- Look! I find PANNNNDA!
= Baby, that's a kanga..
- Takeapicture, Takeapicture, Takeapicture.
= Baby. Listen, that, is a kanga..
- TAKE A PICTURE BEFORE THE PANDA RUN AWAY.
= Kanga..
- Takeapicture, Takeapicture. Takeapicture, Takeapicture.
= That, is not, a pand..
- HURRY IT RUN AWAY THE PANDA RUN AWAY TAKEAPICTURE.
= Kanga. *click* Roo.

Ich Bin Ein Osterhase

2007-11-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

via Mad Vortex

Rosetta colored glasses

2007-11-15T19:12:00.001-05:00

From tr00st.
"i call upon the name of my muse
to aid me in my remembrance
of these things most important
which should not be forgotten
even until the end of our days
to give of oneself is to
gain in return the greatest of
all gifts and to shed the self
of all want is to walk out of
the wilderness and into the light
the unclothed statuettes of
lovely Abbelina are hidden
under the clay pots full of seeds
behind the mulebarn of Galen"

Strung out

2007-11-15T19:08:00.000-05:00

From lukevandy.
EAT THE STRINGBAGEL TREEGIRL. THE SPIRITS OF THE GLEN ARE AWAKENED AS YOU ARE NOURISHED AND SPRING WILL BLOOM INTO ALL THE SHRUBBERIES OF THE LAWN. OOOH!!! tooSLOW!!@# YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE!!%$ JUMP, TREEGIRL. EAT IT. EATIT!!@$#$%!##!!! GO.TREE.GIRL. GO.TREE.GIRL. GO.TREE.GIRL. GO.TREE.GIRL.

Napslinger.

2007-11-15T19:06:00.000-05:00

From mrwpaw1.
Spiderman has not always been the fearless crimefighter you thought he was. Nor was he created when Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider in the teen years. That was all a ruse; an elaborate cover-up to avoid the messy, messy paperwork involved with child labor laws. In his early days, spiderman was often outrun by the bad guys. Macaroni & cheese provides fuel for only so many hours in the evening, and then, without fail, sure as the sun sets, naptime befalls our beloved hero.

guest post at Mad Vortex: Pandemic

2007-11-14T21:39:00.001-05:00

The Mad Vortex: Fluckr - Pandemic

Animal Meetup

2007-11-14T20:26:00.000-05:00

From metro1wayne.
I need all the little wooden bunnies in the fake green grass down in front to shut the hell up. OH. Hey there, angels on the podium, and Santas in the curio.. nice of you to JOIN US.. we've only had this planned for what, now, three weeks? Yeah. Settle. Alright. Now. We now face what could be the biggest moment in any of our lives. Bigger than Christmas, bigger than Easter. ENOUGH. SETTLE. Yes, bigger than all that. Freakin Gepetto put up the gall dern SALE sign, and not just any ole sale sign, brother. Liquidation. OK OK SETTLE DOWN YOU KNOTMELONS. We don't have time to friggin chat this out. We're all gonna get busted up, and it's gonna happen fast. Once the sale starts, we're gonna get wrapped in tissue and stuffed in cute little bags and people are gonna pay their money and out the door we're all gonna go, one by one, until there's nothing left but fake green grass and little circles in the dust where your little butts used to be. What you have to do is just ride it out. Nine times outta ten, you're going to end up on a nicknack shelf and never touched again, but you just might end up at a toddler house with yer eyes chewed out. SO. Now's the time to finish up any loose-end business and say your goodbyes. It's been a good run. New lives are coming in that front door. Ladies and gentleman, it's been an honor.

Sand-which?

2007-11-14T20:24:00.000-05:00

From Nick Brickett.
OKAY BRO. Check it. Time for PORTABLE. LUNCHTIME. THROWDOWN. STEELCAGE MATCH. Ok, we couldn't get a steel cage, right, so we're just gonna jam it here in the grass. Ok, ok... Ok, right.. Over here, the champ, the tuna wrap from Student Commons. HAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhh... Oooover hereeeeee... THE CHALLENGER BAR-B-CUE STEW FROM CUEBALL LARRY'S BILLARDS AND FILLYERDS. I'll sample each one, in turn, study over the flavors, and I'll be one with each meal. AND THEN. We'll pick a winner and notify Student Activities and the Herald, AND WE'LL TOTALLY BE FAMOUS and get this whole sandwich challenge throwdown on YouTube. How's my hair? Nosecheck! Alright haaaaaaah. LET'S DO IT.

You and I and Dominos

2007-11-14T20:18:00.000-05:00

From Bethany J Fellows.
Perhaps the least documented phase of Liza Minelli's career was 1982's month of April, in which she dove deeper into existential experimentation than even many of todays most shocking celebrity personalities. Much of that month was filled with a prolificness of art which combined deft skill of wearable needlework with a near genius catalog of subtle photographic self-portraiture with themes focused on 1950's era parlor games. The product of this fateful crossroading of styles is now evidenced only by this one photo, found behind the stove of her abandoned studio apartment, entitled "Two Getcha Three".

Open!

2007-10-10T09:29:00.000-04:00

From Jerry Liu.
Sometimes, a photo stands alone, on its own merit.

Orange You Glad

2007-08-30T21:48:00.000-04:00

From gremionaked.
Alex and Andria were the best of friends and the most bitter of enemies. It was fate that they would find themselves at-nose-end at the Semi-Annual Citrustraviganza. Juicefacing is the oldest and most honored of traditions in their village which dated back to the founding fathers. As tradition has it, the winter of 1473 was unGodly cold and windy. Shelters fell apart, and food dwindled. At last, all but two villagers died, and all but one orange was consumed. Life-loves, the two affectionately remembered as Mamah and Papah, decided to share the fruit by mashing it between their faces, thereby ingesting its life-giving juice simultaneously. They lived, saw the horrid winter through, and the village was not extinquished. Today, Juicefacing is a spectator sport which is often wagered upon, and the winner shares the purse with local farmers. Andria emerged victorious, but the entire village won.

Scootimus Prime

2007-08-30T21:46:00.000-04:00

From lepista.
Sometimes, "talking it out" just never settles the disagreement. Sometimes, you don't have to back down or apologize or take the last busted-down danish from the snackbar at work. And sometimes, a simple scooter just won't do. Sometimes. Your junk is effing cool. Sometimes. You win. And no one, not nobody, can say jackshit about it.

Beeing the Lizard

2007-08-30T21:42:00.000-04:00

From satoyuka_windsor.
And the Rainbow Lizard that lived beneath the Red Tree of Creativity said to the Big Green Bee, "Big Green Bee, bring me THREE of the brightest red cherryapples that ever grew, and I won't eat you, and you can pollinate the Pink Shrub of Atonement. And the Big Green Bee buzzed away and DID find the three brightest red cherryapples that ever grew, and brought them all back, one by one. And the Rainbow Lizard that lived beneath the Red Tree of Creativity went "LAWD!!" and was pleased at the fruit. The Big Green Bee pollinated the Pink Shrub of Atonement, and buzzed back to the Big Green Hive and made gallons and gallons of the bestest tasting honey that ever was.

Emperical

2007-08-29T20:56:00.000-04:00

From Lil Munki.
"Sir." *nod*
"We haven't thine droids! Begone ye scoundrels!"
"So you are aware of the rogue droids."
"Good sir knight, we knowest not of these droids which you lament."
"TK421, we need backup."
"Your words are strange, and we are but merry eaters of onions."
"You are wasting our time. Tell us what you know about the droids."
"Ye knave! Methinkest thou mayhap be taking yon Fantasy Fest a bit more than seriously?"
"Lord Vader will hear of your transgressions!!"
"Jesus buddy, knock it off... have a little less blue milk and a couple onion rings. Frig."
"Prepare yourselves for detention!"
"Seriously dude, dang, you're really screwing up our whole medieval gig here. Scram or something."
...
"The Emperor calls. You are lucky, lucky thieves."
...
"This place is covered up with loonies. Anyone seen my lochbar axe?"

Push It Real Good

2007-08-29T20:54:00.000-04:00

From ::annie.
All of us are champions on the inside. A few of us are champions on the outside. Billy Strontinson is one of those of us whose championship shows. Billy is travels our world, from one monument of human achievement to another, leaving in his wake two things; awareness and record-setting consecutive pushups. From the Great Wall to Chichen Itza, Billy has pushed himself up dozens and dozens of times, honing his health, and reminding everyone that these great treasures are more than lovely scenery. I, for one, follow Billy Strontinson's example of achievement and devotion. Cheers, Billy, this cold one's for you.

Stars and Bars

2007-08-29T20:51:00.000-04:00

From nycz'u.
The original Homeland Security Advisory System's threat level chart was not quite as descriptive as the one we have now. Today, we can all feel safe in the five color-coded levels, each clear and distinct: Green - Low. Blue - Guarded. Yellow - Elevated. Orange - High. Red - Severe. This was not always the case. In the late 1800's, all we had to warn us was the 4-bands of the old system: Shitty Green - No Problemo. BustedUp White - Mule Thieves. Sky Blue - Injuns. Plain White - God's Wrath. Now, we have radio, TV, the internet, and threat levels that light a clear path.

Am I Blue

2007-08-28T18:36:00.000-04:00

From Todor Kamenov.
Well as it turns out, there was a period of about a fortnight when Imhotep fell ill to a mold-related intestinal bug. And for that two weeks, the whole of the empire of Ancient Egypt was under the thumb of Muah'hah'nep The Blue. Very little is known about his very brief reign, but as we can see from the hieroglyphic record placed upon this minute statue, we know that Muah'hah'nep was a ruthless and cruel follower of the anal-retentive pet monkey of Anubus. In the blink of the eye of history, Muah'hah'nep tidied up the royal chambers so deftly, that upon his return to the throne, Imhotep was vexed beyond madness at not being able to find ANYTHING that was RIGHT where he left it. Muah'hah'nep was, rightly, blamed, and soon thereafter, murdered. His body was not preserved by mummification, a process reserved for royalty, but was instead used to mulch the royal pampass grass fields, never to be seen again, and until now, almost wiped from the face of humanity's memory. We are indeed blessed by this tiny bit of the puzzle that is now in place.

Girls On Film

2007-08-28T18:34:00.000-04:00

From tualatin.
I always knew we were not alone.
I always knew that someone was out there, somewhere.
I always knew that when they did come, everything we knew would change, forever.
It was going to happen, just a matter of when.

And then it happened.
And they were busty and clear.
They had no arms and no heads.
All the questions were answered, and all at once...
...all new questions were asked.

Three Strikes

2007-08-28T18:30:00.000-04:00

From yellowtailshark.
"AGAIN, BOY."
"Hawks baseball is the best baseball and the tent of arms is the pyramid of skill, may it focus my talents on the field."
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU."
"I saaaiiid... hawks baseball is the best baseball and the tent of arms is the pyramid of skill, may it focus my talents on the field."
"GODDAMNIT BOY SAY IT AGAIN. LIKE YOU MEAN IT."
"Hawks baseball. Is the best baseball. The tent of arms. Is the pyramid of skill. May it focus my talents. On the field."
"IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP AND GET YOUR HEAD IN THIS THING YOU WILL NEVER GO PRO. MY GRANDMA WILL GO PRO BEFORE YOU GO PRO. AGAIN."
"My arms are tired."
"AGAIN!@#$"
"HAWKS BASEBALL IS THE BEST BASEBALL AND THE TENT OF ARMS IS THE PYRAMID OF SKILL, MAY IT FOCUS MY TALENTS ON THE FIELD."
"Attaboy, Chad. That is it. Hit the showers, I need a tissue."
"K, Coach.

Brats

2007-08-27T20:59:00.000-04:00

From NormalJean.
Fear not, Earthling. I will not harm you... much. I am only here for your action figures. We have traveled long years through space, triangulating your signals broadcast from your television satellites, and at last we are here. Now. Tell me where we can find Scarlett, Jane West, and most importantly, where is that tasty morsel Midge? TELL ME! *beep, whirr, click*

Disturbing

2007-08-27T20:56:00.000-04:00

From Missionary Midwife.
Yeah, I thought that whole "you're a Jedi because you have Midichlorians in your blood" was a cheapass plot cop-out too... until I tried to take a picture of CarrieMae Miller. Faster than I could yell "say cheese", she went all Darth Maul on me and stankeyed my camera. This was the only shot out of the lot that was even partially in focus; she pumped out that Jedi crap all over me and broke my clavicle, spilled my drink, ruined a whole roll of really good film. Remind me to never take photos for friends' weddings or those freaky Star Wars bake sales.

CRAYZE EDDIE

2007-08-27T20:29:00.000-04:00

From MacAllenBrothers.
IS YOUR MEAT OLD, BUSTED, NOGOOD? IS YOUR MEAT DULL, DRAB, LIFELESS? IF YOUR MEAT SKANKED, PLANKED, OR OTHERWISE GANKED? THEN DRAG IT, PULL IT, PUSH IT, SMOOSH IT, AND GET ON DOWN TO CRAYYYYZE EDDIES MEAT MART! CRAZY EDDIE LIKES BAD CREDIT, POOR CREDIT, NO CREDIT. BECAUSE CRAYZE EDDIE LIKES CASH. CASH FOR MEAT. CASH FOR MEAT. CASH FOR MEAT. CRAYZE EDDIE SELLS MEAT. CRAYZE EDDIE BUYS MEAT. CRAYZE EDDIE BARTERS MEAT. CRAYZE EDDIE'S CRAYZE. CRAYZE EDDIE RENTS MEAT. CRAYZE EDDIE LEASES MEAT. CRAYZE EDDIE TIMESHARES MEAT. CRAYZE EDDIE IS MEAT CRAYZE, BROTHER! IF IT'S MONEY, AND IF IT'S MEAT, CRAYZE EDDIE IS ALL ABOUT IT. YOU STAB IT, CRAYZE EDDIE SLABS IT.
LET'S MEAT.
AT CRAYZE EDDIES.

Contraction

2007-08-26T11:27:00.000-04:00

From radtky.
I cannot overestimate the importantness of measuring. If I don't focus and measure every square foot of this place correctly, that means what? Right. Problems for you and yers from now on in. Then I leave, and you're all "that damn Chuck caint do shit", and then you tell yer friends and they tell theyers, and then the problems MINE again 'cause I caint get work anywheres in the whole county, and I'm back on paintin Walmarts again and I swore to my Holy Lord that'd never be the case. Han' me that chalkline and that there plumbbob, it's the blue thing and the sharp thing on a string. IT'S DAMN HUMID IN HERE. Hotdamn, was that eight foot two and a quarter or seven foot three and threequarter... ...sonofabitch I better do this again.

OOT-E-POC

2007-08-26T11:23:00.000-04:00

From thox.
"Fellow members of the honorable Order of the Endless Pits of Challemby, I welcome you to the periodic meeting of souls. If you recall last time, our first gathering, we chartered the OOT-E-POC, and achieved full agreement on the holy color of our representation of honor, Blue, or anything sorta blue enough. New business; we have Honored Brother Steve, who's got a microphone hooked up to his Shuffle and wired that into his mom's boombox so we can preserve proceedings digitally. Whoot Whoot Brother Steve."
"Whoot Whoot Brother Steve."
"Order. More new business, I made staffs for us all, we have an extra for whoever we can get to be keeper of the sacred stones, so all five staves, staffs, um sticks are here. Whoot Whoot Brother Me."
"Whoot Whoot Brother Terry."
"Order. On to furture business. We need to think up or find some sacred stones. Once we hire a keeper of the sacred stones, he'll need a job. Also, if anyone can think of a better meeting place than Honored Brother Steve's Respectable Mom's basement, we need submissions and logistical ideas by next time, since Steve's mom is getting a little creeped out. That'll wrap it up. MAHCHENNAH OOT-E-POC!"
"MAHCHENNAH OOT-E-POC!!"

Grindstone

2007-08-26T11:21:00.000-04:00

From proto001.
It's the curve, man. THAT's where God is. Satan's in the straights. See, it's the freakin yin and yang like the Chinese always said. It's the endless balance that can't be named. You work the curve and the curve talks to you and then you learn to listen. But you gotta see you gotta hear you gotta TASTE the damn difference because on an angle a curve and a straight all look the shittin SAME! see! If you don't pay it that kind of attention, you're gonna be making eggs and bacon one day and sonofashit, you'll wake up to find you've been feeding the devil and now he's stronger than he was when you had your chance, but NOW what can ya do! That's why I'm workin the curve, gotta sand it smooth and keep it clean. ...hey where you going? I got news for ya, you need to hear it... FINE WELL DONT SLAM THE TENT FLAP ON YER WAY OUT. I'M FEEDING YOU GEMS IN HERE BUT ALL YOU WANNA EAT IS DIRT OFF THE STREET... SO ENJOY DINNER YOU WASTE OF TIME, I HOPE YOU WAKE UP SOME DAY SOON AND FINE YOUR CIGARETTE LIGHTER FULL OF MUSTARD!!@#!$#@!!

Clamdigger

2007-08-24T22:08:00.000-04:00

From Cynthia Sapna.
In the old days, we had to keep the tides by hand. The hardest part was pushing the water back out for low tide, we almost NEVER got low tide on time. Have you ever tried pushing water... by hand? Hmm. We did, however, finally work out, sonofabitch, hang on... HORACE! HORACE!! TELL MURRY TO PULL WHEN WE PULL. PULL WHEN WE PULL. YES. YES. NO, I SAID MURRY. PULL WHEN WE PULL. Sorry, sorry, I thought we had all the LOGISTICS *eyeroll* worked out over coffee this morning, but you know how short peoples' attenions get when they bust out the Mahjong.

Big Deal

2007-08-24T22:05:00.000-04:00

From madtrap.
I suppose life was as normal for us as anyone else. We watched alot of cartoons, ate alot of Hamburger Helper, mixed gallons and gallons of Kool-Aid, caught fireflies in jars with holes jabbed into the lid. Summers were odd after Tommy McMahon won that SWEET eBay auction for the cheap chemistry set... made us all small and everything.

Assembly

2007-08-24T22:02:00.000-04:00

From WhiteNoiseMaker.
Now focus. HOW many TIMES do I have to tell you... the magnifug hypodrive on our spaceship won't start until we re-assemble the antigriggon chamber. How do you not get this? If we get just one single piece out of allignment, the antigriggon chamber WON'T contain the griggon particles, they well richochet all over our near vicinity, pierce the hull and LEAK OUR AIR INTO THE VACUUM OF SPACE. But hey. Priorities. Go eat more cake. See if I care. SEE IF I BREATHE WHEN WE'RE HALF WAY THROUGH GRAVSLING MANEUVER AROUND GODDAMN SATURN!!@#$#@%!!

Substance

2007-06-19T19:13:00.000-04:00

From brendan.gough.
"Soon you will find that you can control the suds without touch."
"What."
"That's right. Without touch, they will soon obey."
"Dude, you. Are scaring me right here."
"They do more than float, more than clean, more than ...cling..."
"Um. It's just soap."
"Soap is a tool. TAKE the tool. WORK the tool. Then you will see."
"Sniff the tool?"
"....You find this amusing."
"Yeah, I really do."
"Until you see it SERIOUSLY, it will never see YOU seriously."
"Seriously. You need a break, man. I can't leave you alone anywhere in this apartment. Not for one hot minute."
"Can we focus."
"Oh I'm focused, and it's clear to me that you're a looney."
"Jeff."
"Darin."
"Jeff, man, I'm just trying to show you through a doorway here."
"You're "connecting" with SOAP, man. C'mon."
"You are not trying, and I understand that crutch. Will you ever let yourself be free."
"Oh, trust me, I'm free, free to not be a looney."
"Jeff... ...feel the suds."
"I'M OUT, DARIN. AND STOP DRINKING ALL MY REDBULL."

SpecOps

2007-06-18T19:52:00.000-04:00

From agent oo7.
"You keep him SILENT."
"I'm trying."
"YOU GOTTA GIVE ME BETTER THAN TRYING."
"Ok ok ok, I got him."
"Quuiieettly, damnit, there's guards RIGHT above us. ssshhh."
"I gotta pee."
"Shutup, you."
...
"Wait, sh sh sh, what was that."
"...I hear nothing."
"Waiiit....."
".....nothinnng."
"I thought I heard something. Onward."
"Looney."
...
"Are they gone?"
"I think they're still there."
"I can totally take them out."
"With what!?"
"Giant acorn."
"You've got no muscles, legoman."
"Looney."

Fishy

2007-06-18T19:50:00.000-04:00

From jeremylbuffington.
I swear to God. I got in, cranked it, nothing; it wouldn't turn over. I cranked it again. Nothing. Checked the valves, the cams, the pistons, the intake AND the manifold. Cranked it. Nothing. I looked in the doll blame PIVOTLOCK, and THERE she was right freakin there lookin at me like I was a fish in a bowl. That's what they call eye-ronical, right there. Cranked it again.. STARTED RIGHT UP. Blastedest thing I swear I ever saw.

tea time

2007-06-16T13:00:00.000-04:00

From julchen1301.
ENOUGH! I require complete silence. Don't. Move. Ahh there. MMm Hmm. The spirits here speak to me. They tell me you are troubled. You.. have lost someone dear to you... no, some... thing dear. It beginnnns.. with a Q. Quaaaakerrrrr uuuummmm ffffflleeeekummmm... Quality. You lack quality. No no, yes. Quality. Improve your quality, and you will shed the pain in your leg. GO NOW! IMPROVE YOUR QUALITY AND BE WELL! LIMPEST THOU NO LONGER, CHILD. By power of the spirits empowered unto me by the sacred strand of tan beads and the stripey green shirt, I say to you now GO! Begone. Never look upon me again. Seventyfive cents please, and I need my pen back.

kill kill kill

2007-06-16T12:59:00.000-04:00

From berkus.
My eyes burn with the red of the flame from deepest hell. My hair stands on end at the thought of your transgressions. I will exact upon you the fruits of your labor in an endless flood of events that will tear your bones apart like bits of discarded wrapping paper. You will feel my fury and know you've earned every moment of your unending suffering!! No, seriously, I totally will. You're in SO much trouble. C'mon. Run or somthing. Please?

born with it?

2007-06-16T12:57:00.000-04:00

From jujuuu@.
Okay. Well. FIRST of all. Who even are you to tell me who owns what. That mascara had no ones name but Maybelline on it, so if ANYthing, YOU need to be returning THAT to Maybelline. Hello, Judger of Roommates, Maybelline called and she's TICKED. So why don't you really take the time out to consider who's the hypocrite here and return the stuff that YOU have with OTHER people's names on them BACK to them before you go around scattering random and irrational accusations like you were Michael Jackson with the whole Billie Jean feeding-the-chickens dance. So I don't want to hear "you could at least TELL me" because I just did. I borrowed your eyeliner too, and I'll reimburse you after Carousel.

TMV guest post: Innocence

2007-06-15T22:23:00.000-04:00

Check out the MV for the guest post!

Sadness

2007-06-15T22:18:00.000-04:00

From dshinm78.
Jimmy cried all that night and well into the morning hours. He would grow cold and shiver. Cars honked and drivers yelled "hey buddy..", but he didn't, couldn't move. Jimmy was undone. Now and then the wind would shift and he was reminded that he sat mere inches from the sewer, but that almost made him laugh; metaphors of finger-pointing karma, dancing around him as if he were a slumpy maypole. As soon as the sun broke the night, Jimmy would stand, walk with solid paces until he was home, remove his sweater, and never, EVER attend a quilting bee wearing a fabric blend again.

Mastery

2007-06-15T22:16:00.000-04:00

From clozure.
Time she is up! Drop your pentsills und turn your pehpurz UPSIDEDAHWN. Nahw. Clasze. I hope you all deed well. Theeze iss our last queez. We. Are done. Nahw, regartliss of how you preform here, you steel will emerge from my clasze ast MASSTURS of the majeek of the maths. Practeese your majeek with care and skram! Into the wirld and do your majeekul math upon thoze that are in need. YISS YOU WEEL KNOW DEM WHEN YOU SEE DEM. Do your nummerz and do your fwizzles with your steeks! POLISH YOUR STAHRZIES AND KEEP YOUR INTEGRALS TIDY!! ibidyougoodday.

Taste test.

2007-06-15T22:09:00.000-04:00

From domokun!.
I've replaced my own dinner with Folgers Decaffinated; LET'S SEE IF I NOTICE!#@$ Oh wait! That's only coffee!! I've replaced my dinner with entirely new entrees and sides!! NOW let's see if I notice! OH! Is this chicken? EXQUISITE. The aroma. The color YOU KNOW WE EAT WITH OUR EYES FIRST! And I am no exception HECKNO! Mmmboy I cannot WAIT to dig myself a spoonful of this mighty grub! Lookout stomach, my mouth is prepared to what it does second best which is eating because first best is talking and I'm doing that right now but I'm about to be done and on to number two which is eating, SO I SAY TO YOU AGAIN PREPARE YOURSELF!

Bored?

2007-06-14T14:10:00.000-04:00

From yunachristina2004.
You've known me how long, and you still think I would do you wrong? After all we've been through? Do I not look strong to you? Do you doubt I could undo you with just a glance? Under your thumb am I? Hmm? You're lucky I let you last this long. Power? You want to talk power? You see this board? This one little brown nondescript board here under my hand? I could wriggle it free and this whole PLACE would come tumbling. How's that for power. How's that for being controlled? Now put that friendship bracelet back on that spindly little wrist of yours before I mess you up.

flowers

2007-06-14T13:19:00.000-04:00

From colorseeker.
Sometimes, a picture is just pretty.

How it's done, bro.

2007-06-14T12:15:00.000-04:00

From asdfnick.
Ok bro, check it, check it, yo, k.. aiight, you wanna sautee your sausage and chicken up in butter and olive oil and then take them OUT of the pot, right, and THAT'S when you make the roux. AFTER the roux, THENNN you cook down the veggies, and I'm talkin the trinity... the fucking TRIZZINTY, right! The onion AND the celery AND the green bell pepper. That's gotta happen, or there's not a chick in the club will wanna hit it. GOT ME BRO? Ok, ok, ok, no, bro, BRO, pay attention, bro, right. Look, then the meats go back in, and the stock, get it up to boiling, and THENNNN you toss in the sliced okra.. that's huge, bro, GOT.TO.BE. That'll make it RIGHT, bro. Then cook it all down, see. Then you know, you know, what's the kicker... BRO WHAT'S THE KICKER BRO. Right. Seafood at the end. At the END, yo, or it's wrecked, bro, fucking TANKED. And only then do you hit it with the file`. Don't forget FREAKIN file`, bro. Then, bro, then, you got yerself some gumbo.

Three bales of hay.

2007-06-14T08:13:00.000-04:00

From sam72t.
A tent, my red robe, and three bales of hay.
A tent, my RED ROBE, and three bales of hay.
A tent, my red robe, and THREE bales of HAY.
A TENT, my red ROBE, PUT THE STAKES IN THE GROUND, and three bales of hay.
A tent, DONT CRUSH THE VELVET, my red robe, and three bales of hay.
TURNER TURNER GET THE FIRE, a tent, my red robe, and THREE.BALES.OF.HAY.
A tent, my red robe, and three bales of hay.
A tent, my red robe, A CHURCH PEW, and three bales of hay.

Staying Hydrated

2007-06-13T21:47:00.000-04:00

From cekyr0.
I've run across pics like this before. No, I haven't. But, now and then, there's just NOTHING I can do to add to it. This is one of those. Here it is, in bold wonderment.

Army of One

2007-06-13T21:35:00.001-04:00

From Crossfire Paintball Inc.
BadgerCase, do you read. Roger that. WolverineHiss, are you in position. Roger that. HarshMistress, report. Roger that. Booger, "green" on HassleZone1 on my mark... MARK. Alright people. RazorFuzz and his men are reloading; I've been counting plinks. They're tired; I know their diets and lemme tellya, there's not a protein bar in a single gut out there. They've also been friggin stuck to the TV about this whole Sopranos malarkey, so they're soft. In ..exactly ..45 seconds, SpeedShed is going to make a hit on RazorFuzz's position and that's when we call in on Operation DeathFromAbove. They've got lots of pink paint, BUT WE BLEED CORNFLOWER NOW I WANT TO SEE SOME GNASHING MOVE MOVE MOVE.

marco...

2007-06-13T21:25:00.001-04:00

From LisaColvin.
I've had about enough of you kindergardeners peeing in my pool! No, I'm serious this time! I've got this ball overinflated, and I have had it up to here *gesture*. Now, either you people get some bladder control, some rubber pants, or another pool, or I swear by Mark Spitz and all that is twelvefeet deep and holy, I will assert myself right here and now. Is there ANYone within the SOUND of my VOICE that does NOT understand me.
Alright. I came to play.
Rotate.

love

2007-06-13T21:13:00.000-04:00

From jbise.
HOW. MANY. TIMES. DO. I. HAVE. TO. SAY. THIS. TO. YOU. IF. YOU. WOULD. JUST. RELAX. AND. LET. THE. PEOPLE. WHO. LOVE. YOU. DO. THEIR. JOBS. AND. YOU. DO. YOUR. JOB. AND. LOVE. THEM. BACK. THEN. THERE. WOULD. BE. ALOT. LESS. HATE. IN. THIS. WORLD. AND. NO. MORE. VICTIMS. AND. WE. WOULD. ALL. JUST. GET. ALONG. FOR. ONCE. AARRGGHHH.!!!$@#%!!

selfish data mining

2007-06-13T13:24:00.000-04:00

Hey Fluckrers!
I'm really curious if I have a readership. I THINK I have a readership of exactly four (including myself), but who really knows?

Do me a big favor, if you would, hit me with a comment, let me know you're there, let me know if you like the Fluckrs, don't like the Fluckrs, whatever.

thanks from the me to the you.
-MGMNT

Roll. over.

2007-06-08T09:21:00.000-04:00

From SpectroMagic.
Look at me. Look.at.me. You are quiet and comfortable, there is naught but the sound of my voice. Counting back from five, now, and four, three, and two. One. Can you hear me? Good. You will on Tuesdays begin a swing-by of the butchery for scraps, or develop acute itching. As you do, you will feel centered and happy with life, and awash with a sense of fulfillment as you do this again and again. Now. You will awaken refreshed and alert, remembering nothing of what we have discussed. In three two and one.

KO BIATCH!!!

2007-06-08T08:51:00.000-04:00

From monkyatomc.
It took a giant orange tarp, one high-suction Shop-Vac, a few feet of flexi-hose, yards and yards of black tape, and about seven minutes with a curling iron, but three hours, one fight, and two Diet Cokes later, Katie was done, and ready for what would soon be known as; The Unforgettable Prom.

TMV guest post: The Handshake

2007-06-07T08:20:00.000-04:00

Hey kids! New guest post on the Mad Vortex. You cannot resist.

Fire Probing

2007-06-04T12:50:00.000-04:00

From MalevolentDust.
OK. THE FISRT THING ANY FIREPROBER NEEDS TO KEEP IN MIND IS POWER. THE SECOND THING NO WAIT THE FIRST THING A FIREPROBER NEEDS TO KEEP IN MIND IS SAFETY. POWER IS THE SECOND THING A FIREPROBER NEEDS TO KEEP IN MIND NO WAIT I THINK THAT'S NUMBER THREE. NUMBER TWO IS SPEED. SAFETY. SPEED. POWER. IN THAT ORDER. THOSE THREE THINGS ARE THEY KEY ELEMENTS OF FIRE PROBING THAT AND DELICATE HANDIWORK. NO I THINK DELICATE HANDIWORK SHOULD BE -=THE=- MOST IMPORTANT THING A FIREPROBER NEEDS TO KEEP IN MIND AFTER SAFETY, SO OK, THAT'S SECOND THEN. SAFETY, DELICATE HANDIWORK, SPEED, POWER. THOSE ARE THE FIREPROBERS MAIN INGREDIENTS OF A DISH I LIKE TO CALL THE ENTREE DEJOUR OF FIREPROBING. THE MAIN ELEMENTS THAT MAKE THIS WHOLE PIE PALETTABLE. WATER. WATER IS IMPORTANT TOO. KEEP WATER NEARBY AND I MEAN CLOSE. WATER MAY EVEN NEED TO BE NUMBER THREE ON THE KEY ELEMENTS LIST. SAFETY, DELICATE HANDIWORK, WATER, SPEED, POWER. OUCH DAMN. OUCH!@#!!@ OH GOD!@$#!$!!!!!

Moleskine Love

2007-06-01T10:18:00.000-04:00

From Biche.

He's awkward and clumsy with holllow eyes and no neck at all, but I'm fairly sure he knows about it. I think his hands don't match, but he doesn't seem to let that be a bother. He stomps around in stripey shoes and wears his wooly clothen hoody suit; makes all these gestures like he's just a clip away from leaving the page entirely whenever he gets a notion. That's what he wants you to think. Still though, for all the things he knows and does, I'm not so sure he's aware of the fact that he's covered all about in the air I love the most.

you cannot escape...

2007-06-01T09:51:00.000-04:00

Shouts to the Mad Vortex!
Vortex entity Celia Pleete was -foolish- enough to let me join as a contributor. Check out all the wacky fun at Mad Vortex, and on occasion, an exclusive Fluckr post that you will not find in the official Fluckr feed. Such nuggets will include Human Farming, Hiking in Hell, and the ostensible Paperclip Man.

You cannot escape the Mad Vortex. Don't even try.

Control

2007-05-30T08:27:00.000-04:00

From vicjuan.

"... if you'll follow me over here, hehe I'm a little embarrassed. I only give tours of the Control Room once every seven and a half bleems, so I never get used to being this, naked, about what I do. So these are the Big Switches, the Red and the Blue. Having two two-position switches gives me a total of four combinations of switching; both up, both down, red up, or blue up. Both up ensures the Machine is operational, and the beacon light spins. Both down shuts down the whole system. Red up / Blue down causes Mel Gibson to drink heavily and make racist and suggestive comments to female highway patrol officers. Blue up / Red down sends a signal to the homeworld and they'll come take me away and replace me with another Attendant. I rather like Luigi's Italian Ice cups in the freezer section at Giant, so as yet, I have no plans to be replaced. Now on to the real excitement of the tour ..."

Monkey Train

2007-04-20T09:47:00.000-04:00

From MyUtopian.
Monkey, and that's how I roll
Simians and sapiens living as foes
Maybe, it's not too late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate

Zookeepers not freeing
Leaving us encaged
I'm going bananas on a monkey train
I'm going bananas on a monkey train

I've listened to orangutan
I've listened to chimps
I've watched all the baboons
Those colorful pimps
Kong climbed a building with a blonde in hand
They shot at him with planes and made him real mad

Mother primates screaming
Children in a cage
I'm going bananas on a monkey train
I'm going bananas on a monkey train

I know one day we'll rule this little world
Taylor will fall in love with Nova
Yeah yeah

\guitar solo\

Snow monkeys are bathing
In heated springs they're cold
I'm going bananas on a monkey train
I'm going bananas on a monkey train

shopping math

2007-04-08T13:10:00.000-04:00

From dlangendorf1.
... the frequency of the visits to the grocery store by the people who are clinically insane relates in a ratio to the time of day (with respect to an all-week all-day timescale), which is directly proportional to the product of the temperature minus relative humidity TIMES the ordinal number which corresponds to the month of the year DIVIDED BY the ratio of percentage of carts with a rusty left front wheel at WEIS times PI plus the percentage of carts with a rusty left front wheel at Giant, plus some constant "C" of course, bracketed, TIMES the square root of Avagadro's Number, and THAT is what I call the Golden Mean of When it's Actually Safe to Shop For Food at Wegman's.

THE hat

2007-04-08T12:55:00.000-04:00

From radiohook.
"Ok, seriously. How's my hat."
"Seriously. Best hat ever."
"Oh yeah without a doubt, hands down, wall to wall, best hat in the world."
"You dudes are yankin' my chain."
"No way. You can trust us."
"Would WE lie to YOU?"
"Ok, well, good, because I really love this hat. I think I finally have THE hat for me. This hat's my boon. It's going to be my lucky charm, my star on the horizon, and my mark. It's my brand, yaknow. Whenever anyone sees it, they'll think of me."
"Camera."
"BWHAHAHAHhahaahahahahahaaaaaa......"

The Devil's in the Middle

2007-04-07T20:23:00.000-04:00

From mayzface.
THE DEVIL'S IN THE MIDDLE
AND THE ME IS ON THE BOTH SIIIIIDES
THE DEVIL'S IN THE MIDDLE
YOU.BET.TAH.STRAP.IT.IN.TO.RIDE.
THE DEVIL'S IN THE MIDDLE
AND I'M GLOWING BLUE AND WAAAAAAAHHH
THE DEVIL'S IN THE MIDDLE
AND I'M SHOOTIN DOWN THE BOOTAYYY
POWPOW!!
UH. UHUH.
POWPOW!!
UH. UHUH.
POWPOW!!
UH. UHUH.
POWPOW!!
THE DEVIL'S.
IN.
THE MIDDLE.
PEACE!!!@#@!@#%@!!!!
OUT.
SHA.

uncommented

2007-04-07T19:49:00.000-04:00

From delifinger.
[editorial note]
Hi, welcome to my blog, Fluckr. Herein, I take a random picture that some random person had uploaded to www.flickr.com, and I repost it with wacky captions that I think up and add. Often, this adds immesurable fun to the photo, and everyone has a decent laugh. From time to time, I run across a photo that I simply cannot add anything to. It's those times when I just need to post that photo, and let it tell its own story. This is one of those posts. Bless you every moment, and enjoy.
[end editorial note]

intervention

2007-04-07T19:38:00.000-04:00

From nikolaasB.
"Betty, thank Christ you're here, I'm at my tether's end. My hands are bleeding, my teeth are chipped, I've beaten bits of wood from every stick of furniture in my flat, but I cannot for the life of me get this fresh beer open."
"Ok, Carl, I need you to relax and just listen to the sound of my voice. You're okay. Everyone says so. We all care about you and want your thirst quenched just as badly as you. But. This is an intervention, and that fresh bottle of beer is part of that intervention. You see, none of us can bear to watch you drink twistycap beers any longer. You can't get that beer open because we switched out your stash while you were at the Harry Potter booksigning, and now every beer in your fridge requires a leveraging opener. We've all chipped in and bought you a nice one. So. Everything is going to be alright, but you've had your last cheapass skunknosed twistycap beer ever, do you understand me?"
"Yes."
"We're here for you, Carl. We love you."
"I love you to Betty. Thank you."

Colonials, Three

2007-04-07T19:27:00.000-04:00

From scuba10u.
Ok, so, a haberdasher, a wheelwright, and a saucy wench with carnal knowledge of Satan walk into a pub. It was a bar, but the bar was re-inacting as a pub, too, so it's all Huzzah! Anyway, the saucy wench says "Aye! Wheelwrigt, is this stool taken?" And the haberdasher says "Pardon me, miss, but who says witches were allowed 'round here?" And then the wheelwright says, "Oh, she's not round, she's a battleaxel!"

justice pals

2007-03-14T20:15:00.000-04:00

From bryandscott74.
Jane Wiedlin!
Chef Tony!
The Worm!
Punky "O"!
Justice Pals!!!
Episode 1: Electrifying Danger.
Justice Pals! Quick, there's trouble afoot! Our arch nemisis Pancakehead has used a giant dough-hook to drag high-voltage lines into the city's water supply, shorting the power grid, and allowing all the criminals to escape prison! Jane Weidlan, we'll need all your headbands to subdue the ne'r-do-wells. Worm, you'll slime all alternate escape routes so they'll have no footing with which to flee. Punky "O", play our sweet sweet kickin' Action Theme Song on your Ramone-autographed Les Paul sixstring while I bake up gingerbread body shields to protect us! There's no time to spare, LET'S. GET. COOKIN'.

New Pet Sciences

2007-03-14T19:25:00.000-04:00

From spiderdan.
Alright. Now. As you know, we here at New Pet Sciences, LLC do not belive in the euthanization of animals. As you might expect, this presents certain, shall we say, uncomfortable, situations for families, like yourselves, when the family pet has matured much past it's prime. So. I'd like to re-introduce you to your beloved Bucky. Say 'hi', Bucky. That's right. Ok, oh, don't cry sir, he's really just as loving and friendly as he's always been, just in a new package is all, and yes, he remembers you too. So as I was saying.. these are the tools that will be new to you. Gone are the peanut-butter kong and the watering dish, and gone are the days of amassing empty grocery sacks. Bucky no longer needs snacks or walkies. Now are the days of magneto-dynamic interactimazation. Instead of tossing a stick and yelling 'fetch', you'll apply this torque-enducer to the ratcheted harmonitigator, and WHOAH EASY THERE BUCKY! As you can see, he's quite terribly happy. In layman's terms, we've built a new box for Bucky's brain, and he'll now quite happily outlive you all. Any questions? Right then! Off you go, and thanks for attending "Thinking Inside the Box; Your New Old Friend and You".

green skull

2007-03-14T19:11:00.000-04:00

From suzfernando.
Perhaps the oldest and most revered ceremony in my family is the Passing of the Green Skull. My grandmother passed the first green skull, this green skull, the halloween of the third rememberance of Autumn of Embarassment, which began when Uncle Frederic von Hasslebreckt commented on solstice dinner "What a load of rubbish; I make tastier delights between my toes". That was the longest winter our family remembers, when no one spoke until the third weekend of March. We tend to hold grudges. And now, because you told me I looked nice in that tone of voice, I pass the green skull on to you. May it smile ill upon all your endeavors. Say cheese!

my girlfriend

2007-03-13T20:10:00.000-04:00

From carol_eller.
i have a giant tattooed girlfriend
who's very nice to me
when i look up to find her
sometimes she's hard to see
but now and then when the sun is out
and the clouds all drift away
i can squint just right
and with all my might
scream "i love you"
in that special way
and i know
way down below
i'm seen
by my giant tattooed girlfriend

one of promise

2007-03-12T22:01:00.000-04:00

From flapjackboy.
I was of fitful sleep. It was September, 1977, and balmy, and it was like.. light went in, light went out. Just like that. Light went it - light went out. And I knew right then my life was going to be different forever. I was wide awake for once, but it was all dark, so I don't know what the light was, but I got up and went outside. I was led into the shrubs but it wasn't like voices or anything, just a pressure or an ache, and I knew I was being called unto the sacred place where I was to be shown the way. Pushing into the hedge, I could see in the shadows a glint, so I reached out and put my hand on it, and it was cold, but solid, so I took it, and it almost felt like it floated to me where it belonged. It was the One Of Promise, it was THE Purple Boot, and that's when I knew that from now on, I would be telling my story over and over and over again.

ceiling cat

2007-03-11T22:31:00.000-04:00

From michaelparkerthompson.
What ceiling cat sees.

ready

2007-03-11T21:12:00.000-04:00

From BBQN.
There are alot of things in this life that I am not. I'm not a coal miner, an agnostic, a spitfire. I'm not a priest or prophet. I'm not a Virginian. I'll never be a knitter or a baker. There's also alot of things I'll never do, and many places I'll never see. But this isn't about all that. That's all chaff. The meat in this biscuit is what I've gotta do right now. There's journeys all through life, hell, it's one big journey. But I dare say there's no journey more important or even dangerous than the one I'm about to take. Over shoes and cats and past barstools and lamps, I will make it to the front door. You can't stop me. Only a fool would entertain the thought of even slowing me. Between here and there is nothing but that which will soon be behind me. I need out of this godforsaken house, and neither armies nor mean beasties can change the fact of that little matter. I am, in every way shape and form, ready.

blind date

2007-03-11T13:14:00.000-04:00

From MooGoo.
HI! It's me, Karen! The dating service did not specify.. you are much taller than I expected wow! I wanted to bring my iPod full of your favorite music to play while we walk around the city so we could share the earbuds, but then I thought how nice would it be if I brought some of my own favorites to share with you!! I have a CD for you, and some special herbs and spices my uncle prepared, and a cheese in a green bag; I made it myself from collected milks. I have this, my very best orange hoody that I will give to you once we're done with our date. I've waited for this night, oh for days, but it seems like months, I hope you like pork? Anyway, let's get started over at that shop. I feel like I'm doing all the talking! Tell me how are you!

alien invader

2007-03-11T13:03:00.000-04:00

From xswishox.
I must admit that for the first time, I feel pity. Pity that I must destroy you. It is not jealousy nor is it covetousness; it is simply a shame that you must do as you do and that I must do as I do, and that THAT is the natural way of things. It's all I've ever known, really, it's how I've always been, and will no doubt continue to be, for, as I do take pause, I will not be hindered. You admire me. You do. You bathe me in warm light and photograph me in flattering poses, and that touches me deeply. And while you are not the first to have done these things, it is, for whatever reason, now, that I feel as I feel. Pity. Ahwell, enough rabblerabble; you have marinated for the prescribed time and you are sufficiently tender. In the name of Xxax Greenskin The Persistently Supple, I feast.

Section 8

2007-03-10T22:06:00.000-05:00

From saintovbastards.
Angelica never could figure out why her petit-four themed bistro never really took off. Was is the choice in ambient music? Perhaps the furniture or feng-shui of layout.. or lack thereof? The decor was carefually selected and placed, the music chosen and ordered for effect. The ingredients all local artisan and fresh-as-fresh-can-be. The tables were dressed with tatted lace of handspun thread, all from farms in the country, which cared for the most organically hand-shorn and field-born sheep you could find. Something.... some.. little.. elusive.. foggy.. outofreach.. thing.. just wasn't on the mark. What could it be, what could it be....

little bunny Foojo

2007-03-10T09:54:00.000-05:00

From libbylineen.
Hey yo so check it out right! There's this bunny named Foojo right rawr! He's all out one day happin' through the jungle and junk all rawr RAWR in the jungle see. And then like, every TIME he meets a mouse or something, he's all picking it up and wailing on his little braincan right, just wham-wham-wham, and laughing about it like a goon. And he's doing it like ALL THE TIME like doinit and doinit and doinit and doinit, right, just NOT letting up right, MAD crazy all kicking these mouse BUTTS all over the jungle. Then yo check it, the fairy godmother comes all floating down with sparkledust and mushrooms hahahaha and she's like BUNNY FOOJO WHAT THE HELL and swinging her wand like a fiend right. And rockin bunny Foojo's like RAWR I DONT CARE GET OFF MY LAWN SPARKLEBUG. She's like K WHATEVER GOON. And she's gone and he's RIGHT BACK AT IT. All laying out mad TERROR on the jungle. Then one day she comes BACK on him right, all BUNNY FOOJO WHAT THE HELL AGAIN, YA FREAKIN GOON. Bunny Foojo's like SCRAM YO. And it all happens over again see. Back at it, and she comes back AGAIN and I think it's like a Saturday and her day off, so she's BLOWN a gasket on punkrockin Foojo, man. WHAT THE FREAKIN FRACK FOOJO I'M SICK OF THIS YOU MAKE ME RAGE. Foojo punkbunny's like VVVVP!! WHAT DO I CARE NOT MY PROBLEMZ. And she winds up on him with her cane and frickity BANG man turns him forills into a goon. hahahaha I love that freakin story man. Foojo, man. RAWR.

keeping abreast

2007-03-10T08:06:00.000-05:00

From elenor.
The early days of medicine are in hindsight littered with sadly obvious dead-end attempts at problem solving. Solutions once though 'cutting edge' are now looked upon as only distantly passable fixes for bodily troubles and missing appendages. Here we see what seems like a caveman-of-today; an artisan hard at work at his trade, which we now know to have more modern alternatives available to those in need. Fortunately, with the rapid advancement of communication, it probably won't be long before the knowledge and fortunes of pursuits in the basket-weaving industry find this local breast-augmentation artiste.

epic struggle

2007-03-09T13:41:00.000-05:00

From di.hughes.
Gentlemen. In every man's life there are beginnings and there are endings. In between all those beginnings and endings are lots and lots of middles. Those middles will take you from the lowest valley to the highest mountain. That'll happen generally after a beginning, but sometimes alot closer to an end than you'd hoped for and planned out. What I'm trying to say is that you're at a very important beginning. You've got your red suits and shields, and with God's grace, all the skill I've beaten into you over the last couple of hours of this years' Medieval Club Parkinglot Symposium. Now. What you need to know is that now is the moment of truth. This is where you're going to match wits and strength against resolve and fortitude. I'm going to be well out of the way down by the snackbar with my vitamin water. In your hands is your fate. THIS BEGINNING IS YOUR FIGHT. THIS END IS YOUR HONOR. THIS MIDDLE IS YOUR BLOOD!!@#!@$#!@!! NOW GET OUT THERE AND EARN YOUR MANHOOD. IT'S YOUR TIME. IT'S YOUR TIME. IT'S YOUR TIME.